No Goals, Just Clouds: Observations from a Spiky Mind

Don’t seek enlightenment, just drop your illusions.

• Sawaki

This weekend I was very inspired by this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPovnp3Dly4

So I wanted to shout this into the void: My mood cycling may be such that I continue to be a “spiky”, inconsistent contributor who is only really successful when feeling inspired. This has to be ok or I will collapse under the weight of my own expectations.

From which comes these observations: With both grappling and making music, I don’t have goals (and I’m 95% okay with it).  These are activities where a minimum of effort each week is necessary to be mentally stable, and I’ve come to terms with this being my reality. I have & will continue to stick with them… whether or not I’m feeling up to it.

Like with meditation, there isn’t “a point of it all” - it’s just an opportunity to observe my own interior cloud patterns via their reflection back onto me. They’re supposed to be fun and when I’m in neutral or positive mood, they do really bring me a lot of joy. When I’m negative,  they’re like medicine that I have to keep taking. GOOD.

Most immediately, I think my life will be much better if I reset my expectations any/all side projects in a slightly different way. Affixing a goal of them being the way to freedom is largely unrealistic and unhelpful. Unlike the above activities, I don’t get anything out of forcing a “grind” out of it. These projects may never amount to anything. They almost never do. But they’re fun. Continuing to get excited about ideas and chase them amounts to everything. Getting tied up emotionally in their success brings me no joy.

My prayer, as it were, is that I can eliminate the goals and desires I’ve placed on side projects, too, and make them an outpouring of my curiosity and joy in discovery.

With my love to you all for listening to my nonsense this year. It has been an incredible journey of self-discovery that was completely unexpected and beautiful.